


Excerpts from a Coma Diary

by Wreckage



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coma, Diary/Journal, F/M, Hospitalization, M/M, POV First Person, Short Chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-14 23:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 55
Words: 19,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1282783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wreckage/pseuds/Wreckage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An accident leaves Arthur in a coma. The universe aligns to make Merlin responsible for recording the events that go on in the world so that he will have an easy update when he wakes up. Meanwhile, life happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I know next to nothing about medical stuff, so please take this with a great big grain of salt. I do know that Arthur's coma is something that would never be possible outside of a soap opera. Artistic licence.  
> Coma diaries also don't appear to be a thing. The idea comes from Diary, an excellent book by Chuck Palahniuk. I just found the concept interesting and wanted to, well, explore. And what better way to do that than applying it to characters we all already know and love?

Hello, Arthur. This is Merlin, you know, Gwen's friend? The new kid.  
I don't know when you'll be able to read this, but I hope you will one day. This is your coma diary. The doctors said it was a good idea to keep one because you probably won't wake up in a long while, and being able to read back about what happened while you were out might help you get back to normal when you do. I know you're probably confused about why I'm writing it and not Gwen. I mean, I don't even know if you remember my name. So far, you've only called me "new kid." But she is way too upset to write, so I said I'd do it for her.  
I'll try to update you as often as I can on what's happening to people.   
Get well soon! Well, when you read this, I suppose you will be well. Or not well, exactly, but better.  
Anyway, end of entry one.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello, me again.  
Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get used to writing these. There isn't a set format. I suppose I should tell you about all the flowers. There are A LOT of flowers in your room. I'm almost jealous, I bet if I were in a coma no-one would send me anything. Well, maybe Gwen would. She's great, your Gwen, you're really lucky to have her. She's given you a huge bouquet of roses. They looked expensive and you know she's not exactly rich. She still cries a lot and holds your hand when she visits. I don't know what she's saying to you, but maybe you can hear her. Who knows. There are flowers from the class at school, and from many students individually, there's a plastic dog poo from Gwaine, obviously, and a wreath from the footy team. That one is bright red, I think you'd like it a lot. I took a picture of it, but my camera is crap. Some drip left you grapes. I took the liberty of eating most of those while I was sat here writing this, because it's not like they'll be fresh when you wake up.  
Merlin.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, Arthur.  
Gwen was back at school today. That means a lot. She's really upset still, but it's great that she doesn't fall into a total crisis herself because of what happened to you. I mean, you wouldn't want that, would you? That's what I told her, at least, though I suppose I don't really know what you'd want.  
She did well. Only cried a little. And afterwards we came to visit you. You're doing well, they say, you're stable. They also say we should start exercising you soon. As far as I've understood, you like exercise, so that should be exciting for you!  
(Of course, you probably won't really notice the exercise because you're out cold.)  
We ate chocolate oranges by your bed. Gwen said they were your favourites, so I held a slice up under your nose for your enjoyment. If you could smell it, you're welcome.  
It also made her smile, which is good. It's nice to see her smile again. I'm sure you'd want that, too. Hopefully, it'll only be a couple of months until you can join in the sight.  
M


	4. Chapter 4

Hi, Arthur.

Nothing really significant happened today, unless you count Gwaine sitting on Percival's shoulders and scoring a perfect hit on the rubbish bin with a ball of paper. He, by the way, is captaining the football team in your absence. They're still doing really well, but it's a bit more chaotic. I'm sorry I can't tell you the details, I don't know much about football.

I'm really not the right person to be updating you on your life, but I guess it's too late now.

Gwen is fine. She has been holding your hand today, as she does every day. In school she's still great, with all that's going on, she's still miles better than me at trigonometry. Trigonometry, by the way, is still shit. I feel sorry for you having to go through all of this stuff when you wake up, but then I suppose we're lucky you'll be able to. They say your brain is doing fine, it's just not ready to wake up yet.

And in my own life, just to give you an update, people you don't know said and did things you couldn't give less of a fuck about.

M.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Hi, A.  
Can I just write A? I've no way of knowing your opinion, so I'm trying it out. I sign with an initial, so why not start with one?  
Your sister was there when I arrived here today. Her uni were apparently being right tits and not letting her leave to come visit. She looked like she was doing fine. She was pretty sour about you being in a coma, of course. Your dad was here, too. Gwen says you laughed at her when she was scared of him, but he really is pretty terrifying. They left just after we arrived, so I don't know what they did or said when they were here. I wish I could have reported on it; that's the kind of thing I'd want to know if it were me.  
Morgana left a picture on your bedside table, though. It's of you two, I think, when you were kids. It's taken on a beach somewhere, with a sandcastle and everything. If you built that, you were a gifted child! It's really cute. I promise I won't show anyone at school.  
M.


	6. Chapter 6

Hi, A.

Gwen couldn't make it here today, since she's got the flu. That's not a good thing to bring into the hospital, I'm sure you'll understand. I also hope that it was clear that she's been with me the other times I've written unless I said she was not, but that should be obvious. You're her boyfriend, not mine. Not my friend, I mean.

Sitting here with you alone is really awkward, by the way.

School is trudging along. The end of term exams are ever closer. I haven't even thought about Christmas yet, but I suppose that's closer, too. Gwen is really worried about these exams, even though she's bound to ace them anyway. I'm probably not as stressed as I should be. Are you usually stressed about exams? If Gwen were here, she'd tell me, I suppose.

I'd guess you would be the type to stress too, but you'd hide it better than she does. You must be used to pressure situations after all, what with your football and things.

And now all the exercise you get is us lifting your feet up and down or putting them on the cycle machine, to make sure your joints don't go stiff or something like that. It's supposed to make you wake up sooner, too, but the doctors seem a bit worried. Apparently you could easily be like this for a year when they originally said months. I've not told Gwen, she didn't overhear that particular detail.

I just hope you don't die.

Sorry, that was a stupid thing to say. Write. Whatever.

M.


	7. Chapter 7

Hello, Arthur!

The initial thing just didn't feel right. I like writing your whole name.

Gwen is still sick. Poor thing. She's worried about school, so I brought her my notes, which means I actually had to take notes. That is not going to become a habit. I would bring in notes for you, too, but I don't think they'd do you any good, since you can't exactly read them. I could read them into your ear, like a bedtime story, and just hope that something gets through. Maybe Gwen will like the idea, I'll suggest it to her.

She sends her love, by the way, so here's some love. 

There you go. 

You're welcome. I'll bring some back to her from you, too, don't you worry.

I'm unsure about what to get her for Christmas. I really want it to be something great, because she needs something good to happen to cheer her up, but I don't have that much money and I'm not very creative. I'll probably just buy her a second hand book or something.

What would you get her? The moon, probably. I know what she's getting you, but I'm not telling!

Well, it's a bit awkward here just me and you. I think I've said everything I can think of that has value so I'll leave you to your business.

M.


	8. Chapter 8

Hello, Arthur!

Exam day! So many people envied you today, and some were even dumb enough to say it. I tried to shut them up with one of those serial killer stares, but I don't really think I pulled it off. I wish I could, because the last thing Gwen needed after being sick and coming back to take an exam was to be upset by those shits. Anyway, we all survived, I think. And now Christmas is right around the corner.

I did get Gwen a book, in the end. Goodbye to Berlin. I happened upon a pretty fancy looking edition, I hope she likes it! I trust you'll keep mum so that it'll be a surprise.

Over the holidays, I won't be writing much for you, because I'll be at home, celebrating. It would be a little bit weird if I abandoned family tradition to go impose on a vague acquaintance in a coma. I'm going to ask Morgana for updates on what the holidays were like for the people you actually care about. I hope she'll answer, I haven't talked to her much, but she seems nice from what little I've seen of her. Gwen really likes her, but then Gwen likes everyone.

By the way, I said vague acquaintance, but I'd like to be your friend. I know you can't really weigh in on that in your current state, but anyway. I'll be your friend until you wake up and tell me not to be.

I'll see you around!

Merlin.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Hey, Arthur!

Merry Christmas! I'm writing this update even though I haven't visited today, because it is Christmas and it feels really weird not to somehow mark that occasion in here. Maybe the mulled wine is making me silly, I don't know.

There was frost overnight, so even though there was no snow, all the trees and grass outside were white and frozen when I got up, and it looked beautiful. It melted pretty quick, though. I'm afraid I can't summarise the Queen's speech for you, because my mum, Will, and I are absolute rebels, and we don't watch it. I'm sure if you want to know about that you can just google it. I don't write to you about current events anyway.

Does the Queen count as a current event? Well, she is currently happening, I suppose.

I talked to Gwen and to Gwaine, they were both having marvellous celebrations. I'm sure they'd want me to wish you a happy Christmas from them too. Gwen gave me a pair of mittens that she knit herself! She is so talented, they fit perfectly. It's not as if I've let her measure my hands or anything. I sometimes wonder if there's anything Gwen can't do. She's the perfect human being.

Anyway, you probably knew that already. So yeah, happy Christmas!

M.


	10. Chapter 10

Hi, Arthur!

I nearly cried when I saw Gwen's finished gift. You'll have probably seen it by now, since I'm sure "Christmas present from girlfriend" takes precedence over "Bad summary of life written by wannabe-friend." Her drawing is even better than her knitting. Like I said, there's nothing she can't do. I didn't read the letter she wrote you to go with it, I figure that's private. But I know she was working on the portrait even before the accident. I think she's captured you masterfully, don't you? You look even better than you do in real life!

The football team gave you a shirt. It's lying here on your bed. They brought it with them to the tournament this autumn and had everyone they met write little messages and well wishes all over it. It was quite sweet of them! Some of the guys got you individual presents as well. Gwaine gave you prank supplies as usual - he even gave _me_ a bag of whoopee cushions. I really feel like I'm part of the gang now. Back to your presents, there's a book of landscape photography from Elena, a bloody tie from Leon - I feel like he and Gwaine are balancing each other out with one being ridiculously childish and the other eerily grown up.

Someone's given you a knitted hat as well, but I don't know who that's from. Maybe Gwen knows; I'll ask her when she gets back from Birmingham.

From me, you got a book. The place where I got Goodbye to Berlin for Gwen also had Mr. Norris Changes Trains, and I thought it would be cute to give you matching books because you're a couple. I still don't know if that was a good idea, I trust you'll be able to tell me one day. Isherwood is really good, though, promise!

I still haven't talked to Morgana about "your" Chrsistmas celebrations. The nurses said they didn't really do anything for you in here, which is sad. I mean, you wouldn't have known, but still. Anyway, it's been nice seeing you again!

M.

 


	11. Chapter 11

Hey, Arthur!

I have successfully managed to run into your sister! Not sure how that went. She laughed at the suggestion that she should summarise the Queen's speech, and she said that Christmas was "Hell as usual." Then she called me "sweet" and just sort of drifted off. She didn't even tell me what she got you for a present. Are you all bizarre in your family?

Gwen didn't know who the knitted hat was from, either, but she's wearing it now and she looks hilarious. Again, if my camera weren't ridiculously crap, I'd take a picture. It will look better on you, I'm sure!

I hope Christmas isn't really Hell at your place. It's probably the most inconvenient time of year to be sad, because the whole world around you is so happy. It's not a great feeling. I hope you don't have that. I'll just take it as Morgana being dramatic.

School starts again tomorrow. This holiday took no time at all! And now we have to get to worrying about university applications and all of that - really, we've all been worrying about those for a while, I suppose you know as well as anyone, but still, the closer the date the worse the fear. Gwen and I are both hoping to get into Avalon - she says that's where you wanted to go, too.

Well, want, I suppose, unless you've somehow changed your mind while you've been lying there. Who knows; it could happen. I suppose it would change some perspectives. Really it's changed all of our perspectives on quite a lot of things.

Well, at least all this uni business means that I'll have something important to report about all sorts of different people soon. Slight substance added to my inane babbling!

M.


	12. Chapter 12

Hi, Arthur!

You're hanging in there. I admire your commitment to this comatose thing, I really do. Now's about the time you should be showing signs of change, you know, yet you're still the same, at least as far as I can see. Gwen's cried a lot today. I'm not really in on the complexities that make the first day back after the holidays difficult to go through without you, but apparently it is. She still doesn't look very happy, but I don't dare disturb her. I'll leave you two alone and write instead.

It was nice seeing everyone again, though. Gwaine says hi! Well, he put me in a headlock, but I think "hi" was what he _meant_. It's a bit odd that all the football people sort of know who I am now. Several asked after you - aside from Gwaine's physical communication there was well wishes from Leon, Elyan and Perce, I think. I hope I'm not forgetting anyone. The ones I haven't already reported on seemed to have had nice Christmases. We knew about Elyan's Christmas from Gwen, obviously, it seems he too had a nice time.

University is of course still the big preoccupation. My personal statement is coming along! You don't suppose I could write down this diary as a useful thing that I've done with my life? Not that I'm comparing you to doing community service, but you know what I mean. I hope.

Anyway, laters.

M.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Hey, Arthur.

So, it's done. All sent off now. I've applied for different kinds of biology in five different places and am crossing my fingers for Avalon. Gwen has filled out all her places with different design courses, but with her grades she's more or less guaranteed getting into Avalon so technically those extra backups are unnecessary. She does not need to rely on luck. As far as I know, we're the only ones in your immediate circle hoping to get in there as first choice, though I think Gwaine has it on third or something.

Oh yeah, he and Elena broke up. Again. Their uni applications didn't overlap at all, so it might be that this is for good. Then again, should they fall madly in love once more, they can probably work out long distance, or go through clearing to solve the proximity thing.

It's weird to think about how close the day is when we'll all be going in different directions. There are so many people I might never have any contact with again.

You were supposed to be here for this Arthur. Consciously here. Even I think it's a bit wrong to approach the end of college without you, and I hardly knew you when you were awake. You were always the centrepiece of the class, so I suppose that's only to be expected.

"When you were awake" sounds gloomy. It's much too similar to "when you were alive." With the important exception that you can only be alive once, whereas you can be awake loads of times. Hopefully it's not long now until you are, though if it was nearing I suppose the doctors would have picked up on something. And if they did, they'd have told Gwen.

That's enough rambling for today.

All the best,

M.

 


	14. Chapter 14

Hi, Arthur!

The Avalon football tournament is this weekend, and guess what? Gwaine's convinced the coach to let me go with them, to write down what goes on for you. Said it would be nice for you to be able to read in your coma diary about the things your mates did on the trip. So I won't be sitting around here in the next few days - I'll be off to Avalon university!

It will be really nice to have a look around the place, too. I hope I'll get in! I also hope that I manage to chronicle the tournament well, and that you find it enjoyable to read about it. And that I'm not too much of a pain for the rest of the team - they're nice to me, but I know I'm not exactly the type they hang out with mostly. I'm sort of a poor replacement for you in any case, although I suppose most people would be. Consider this another encouragement to get well, so you and take back your position! Obviously, the Camelot football team won't be the same when you wake up, what with half of them graduating with us. But at least victory seems achievable under Gwaine's leadership, too, so you won't break your winning streak just because the star player has a season out.

I am assuming you'll want to return to football, but hey, I don't know. Maybe you've changed your mind when you get up. Maybe you will be more into cycling now, since you've been doing so much unconscious cycling on the machine. Or maybe you just won't heal properly for football. I think you already have a legacy to be proud of in the team, so there's really no pressure.

Anyway, Gwen will still be visiting, so you won't be alone. I trust she'll take good care of you for me.

See you in a few days!

M.


	15. Chapter 15

Hey, Arthur.

Your friends are nuts. Leon fell asleep on the bus and now he's walking around with a Hitler moustache in permanent marker. It's kind of horrifying and hilarious at the same time. He will be so angry when he gets to a mirror! He knows something's up already - I think I'm the only one who hasn't dared to laugh at him. I still find most of the team intimidating, though I really feel that Gwaine and I have become friends. He was the evil genius behind the moustache, as I'm sure you'd suspect.

The bus ride was more fun than I thought transport was supposed to be. There was some singing - I didn't even know the Camelot team had its own songs! I'm learning some of them, and I realise that some of the writings on that shirt you got from the tournament at Nemeth are quotes from them. Makes it a great deal less cryptic!

I'm enjoying this little dive into your world. It's a lot less scary than I thought it would be; everyone's a lot more friendly when they know I'm friends with you. Also, having Gwaine and Percival around makes it difficult to mess with anyone on the team. Those two really have the serial killer stares down to a t, I should probably ask them to teach me.

By now, everyone's in their sleeping bags. I'm here between Elyan and Lionel, as if I were part of the team. Elyan has promised he'll beat me in checkers. I didn't know footballers did nerdy things like playing checkers. Tomorrow it's an early start, the team (Should I say they? You? We?) are playing Mercia first thing in the morning. Old rivals meet again! I'll update you on their triumph when it happens!

Good night!

M.

 


	16. Chapter 16

Hello, Arthur!

Things are looking good for the team. The match against Mercia ended with a draw, but they won against Nemeth, Central Albion and Engerd, so the "old rivals" are "meeting again"  _again_  for the semi final tomorrow. Gawant is going against Ismere.

The Gawant boys don't seem to like Gwaine much. Elyan told me that's where Elena used to live before, and that some of them are jealous she was his girlfriend. There really can be some petty drama in this football environment! I have met several people who send their regards - I shall leave letters and notes from them between the pages here. Special mention goes to Mithian, who is apparently a really good friend of yours. She's captain of Nemeth's girl team this year, and she told me to say hi to Gwen, too, an order which I am planning to follow. Their boys team is already out of the competition, but the girls are going strong. I'll be cheering for them, since Camelot hasn't got a girls' team.

That's a pity, really - I reckon if we put together some of our girls we could get a right powerful squad. By the sounds of it, Elena was quite good when she played for Gawant, and Gwen must have picked up on a few tricks, hanging out with you all the time.

Then again, maybe it's too late? This is the last Avalon tournament for our lot. That's weird to think about. I'll pass the idea on to Elyan, so he can sow the seed with his classmates. Maybe the year below can make us proud after all!

Come to think about it, they'll probably be your year soon. If you're ready to go back to school this autumn, that is. Maybe I'm being too optimistic.

Please wake up soon? Preferably before summer is over and we all leave.

M.


	17. Chapter 17

Hi, Arthur!

Back home now. I didn't have time to stop by the hospital, but I'll come visit tomorrow. It will be nice to see you again! I'll find out from Gwen what she's been doing this weekend, and we'll get you all updated on that. How very exciting!

I bet you're wondering how the tournament went in the end. Well, we won, of course. Camelot is the best team after all. We won the second match against Mercia, and then there was an absolutely thrilling final against Ismere. Percival scored the winning goal, and I jumped out of my seat to cheer. I don't even like football! I suppose it makes everything much more exciting when you are friends with the people playing. Just my luck to make those friends just before I'm going to move far away from all of them!

Talking of victories, I won against Elyan in that checkers game, which he has forgiven by now. He's a really cool bloke, awesomeness must run in the family!

The bus ride home was a lot more tired than the one on the way there - many more people fell asleep this time, and there was no doodling on anyone's faces. Gwaine is lucky Leon has got saintly self-restraint, otherwise he might have broken his nose over that moustache. But yeah, we weren't back at the school until way past midnight, and then I had to walk all the way home, so I really need to get some sleep now. I shall see you tomorrow!

M.


	18. Chapter 18

Hello, Arthur!

We're back in the mire of studying now, I'm afraid. Sorry about covering you in papers with notes on them. In my defence, most of those are Gwen's - we've established that I am pretty rubbish at taking notes. You never know, might be that some of our intelligent discussion is seeping into your mind and making you ten times smarter!

Gwen is helping me with maths. I was really confused about Gwen and maths, because she's fretting like mad about doing well on the exam. But she is an artist, so why on earth does she need maths? Well, her answer was really good, so I'm going to write it down in full:

"Society doesn't need art, yet respects my desire to study and work with it. I hope to be respected as a designer and an artist. So even if I don't need maths, I respect it as a discipline."

I don't know if I love her or hate her sometimes, she is just annoyingly perfect. We're not the only people at this study party, though - Elena almost spilled coffee on you earlier, but it all went well. She's been confined to a chair ever since. Gwaine is here, too. I was worried it might be awkward, but it seems fine. He joked that he and some of the boys from Gawant we met at Avalon have started a club for Elena's Exes, and that really made her laugh. It's nice to see that they are friends this time, it might mean that they're ready to move on.

And now Gwaine is throwing little paper balls at me because I'm writing you instead of helping him analyse Ibsen. I think that means end of entry.

M.


	19. Chapter 19

Hey Arthur.  
So, I may have given the impression that I am not particularly worried about my exams. I am so worried. I've been studying a lot and I think I should be able to pass most of the tests, but I need to do more than pass if I want to get into Avalon. And what if I fail? What if I get no A levels? What if I don't get the ones I need to get into uni? I regret picking such prestigious courses. Gwen tells me not to worry so much, but it's easy for her to say - she's ten times cleverer than me. I mean, I'm not an idiot, at least not all of the time, but do I tend to mess things up. And I really don't want to mess these things up. Besides, she's one to talk - she's is super worried about these exams too! Except she really doesn't need to be.  
I'm sorry for complaining to you about this. This is your diary and not mine, so I shouldn't write about these worries that you obviously won't care about. It's just that I don't really have anyone else to complain to. I feel like I've whined everyone else's ears off already, so now it's your turn, apparently.  
So yeah, Gwen is nervous but will do great, Gwaine is confident as ever and will do just fine, Elena is still sorting through the mess of her notes but will muddle through somehow. Elyan is laughing at us all because he won't have to worry about these things until next year. And I'm a wreck with an uncertain future. Such tension! Such excitement! Elyan still hasn't made good on his promise to beat me at checkers, by the way.  
M.


	20. Chapter 20

Hey Arthur!

So, this is it. The scariest exam of them all: Maths. In spite of Gwen's generous tutoring - time she could have spent perfecting her knowledge of other subjects - I feel entirely underprepared. I almost feel like pulling out that trite old rant about how I'm never going to need trig and quadratic formulas in my life, but then she would probably have me keelhauled.

I am joking, of course, she does not own a boat and she is way too kind to ever deal out such strict punishment. In fact, I think she's a bit too kind sometimes. When jerks say nasty things, she just keeps smiling, but I can see that she's hurt. I wish you were awake to exact the revenge she would never ask for. I am too weak to be that guardian, and I still don't feel like I know the footy guys well enough to ask their help. Though I suppose Percy could clobber anyone I asked him to.

I don't think she wants me to tell you about people being mean to her, but it's not fair being all secretive. If you're supposed to know what's going on, you're supposed to know what's going on. Maybe you can help when you wake up. Maybe it won't matter anymore by then. But it's not nice having to put up with bullies or even just rude people, I know that firsthand. It kind of hurts even more to see Gwen being teased and taunted, because she doesn't deserve it. She is strong, though. I wish she would show them that. If maths battles were a thing, I bet she would kick their arse from here to next year!

And with that, I go to battle my own maths. Wish me luck! I think I'm the one who needs it the most right now.

M.


	21. Chapter 21

Hello, Arthur!

So, maths and bio out of the way - I'm confident about the bio exam, the maths, well, it's in the lap of the gods. I've done my best. Gwen seemed content with her efforts, though she was apparently unsure about question 17 b. I'm sure you're even worse equipped to help her with that than I am, as you never even saw the test. Tomorrow is world literature. I think that's going to be alright, it's one of the classes I've taken out of interest rather than ambition, so it's not vital and I actually enjoy studying for it. Gwaine asked me over to help him study later, I think he's still not entirely confident in the area. As far as I know, he's done pretty well so far. The football team are all planning their own goodbye party to mark the end of the season. I've heard them talk about it, but I've not been invited - I wonder whether I will be, but I don't know.

And now for the most exciting news: Both Gwen and I have received conditional offers from Avalon University! It's a great incentive to work extra hard on the remaining exams. I really hope I manage to surpass my predicted results. I didn't see much of the campus at the tournament after all, but what I saw looked really nice - I can imagine it would be great to go there with Gwen. I don't know what I'd do about the diary, but surely it can't be long until you wake up now? Anyway, more studying is called for. Catch you later!

M.


	22. Chapter 22

Hello, Arthur.

This is so weird.

It's all done.

My last A level exam handed in. I mean, it's not as if I haven't been working on these bloody things for a really long time, and put effort enough in to be a bit exhausted, but it is still weirdly anticlimactic. Just so much going on and then poof, done. Now all that remains is rounding up classes and saying goodbyes. That's going to be even stranger. It feels like I arrived yesterday! It's two years ago now. And some of you people, most of you, in fact, have been going to school with each other since the very beginning. I can't imagine what that would be like, but I'll try. I figure it's terrifying. Having an environment you feel safe in that you've slowly built up through more than a decade, and then suddenly being off on your own, or with very few of your classmates around.

Or for some people, it might well be a relief. Like leaving my last school - if I'd been there for twelve years, I'd be celebrating my survival, not mulling in nostalgia. But whether the separation is joyful or painful, I suppose you've got the rougher deal here. I've only been around your friends for the last couple of years, Arthur, and I've only gotten to know them very recently. I can see how easy it is to love them, and I imagine after knowing them for years it hurts to break apart, and will hurt even more that it happened while you weren't awake to go through the process with them.

I will do my best to document the last days, and I'll collect everyone's signatures and well wishes - I know it's not enough, but I can try.

M.


	23. Chapter 23

Hi, Arthur!

So your uniform is filling up with different signatures and drawings from everyone in our class. Gwen's drawing is obviously the best one; most detailed, most creative, most aesthetically pleasing (look at me practicing my posh vocabulary for uni) most meaningful, what have you. I still feel almost surprised that your dad gave the set to us, though I suppose I shouldn't be. It's just that I've hardly ever met him so I tend to forget that he is probably in here with you as often as I am - just never at the same time, I guess. And, I'm sorry, I still do find him massively intimidating. That's not likely to ever change.

My guess is it was Morgana's idea to get it signed. She likes to act aloof, but I can see from the way she writes about you that she really does care a lot, and I suspect her of being more in touch with sixth form traditions than your dad is. I am planning to ask her to help me continue these diaries after I go to uni - I know she'll still be far away as well, but I think that it would be nice to get two sides into the mix.

Anyway, not long until your classmates are officially done with this school. Maybe you will end up with two sets of end-of-secondary-education-signed uniforms. That does seem rather likely. But this lot is the crowd you know the best, so they'll always have a special place in your heart, right?

M.


	24. Chapter 24

Hi, Arthur.

So, this was it. The official ceremony. I've only been to one of these before, when my friend Will graduated back in Ealdor. He's a couple years older but he always sort of looked after me, like a kind of honorary big brother. He still spends Christmas with us some years. His family's a bit odd, but I won't bore you with that, you don't even know the guy. My point is, that ordeal was very different. The drama group performed some mortifyingly bad sketches and one girl sang that one Green Day song that always comes up when they want you to be nostalgic about stuff. And your end of the year entertainment here in Camelot? A bloody opera singer.

I mean, she was really great at singing and all, but I was a bit surprised. I didn't really think we were the target audience for that kind of stuff. But apparently Lady Helen (an actual Lady too, that blew my mind) is really popular among the parents. Who knew! Gwaine wouldn't stop making fun of her until Leon elbowed him right in the diaphragm. There were speeches, and you were mentioned by no less than three teachers - well, if you count coach Bedevere as a teacher. He said you were one of the best players he's ever taught, and that what happened to you was a tragedy, and that we should all pray for your recovery. I thought that was nice of him, although I personally don't believe in prayer. That's just his religious way of sending best wishes, which is good. I also think the "one of the best" thing was mostly to be diplomatic. I cannot imagine he's taught a lot of players on your level.

Mr. Monmouth cited you as an example of what a great community there is in our school and in our year, yadda yadda. It seemed like he mostly revelled in being given a new rhetorical tool to describe the grace and nobility of Camelot's student body. And then Finna (Ms. Katha? It sounds weird because everyone is on first name terms with her anyway) brought you up when she gave Gwen the arts award. Did I mention that Gwen won the arts award? Well, she did. We are all so proud. And I bet you are too, being her muse and all. Love, beauty, tragedy - at least something vaguely positive has come of all this.

Not that it wouldn't be so much better if it hadn't happened at all.

I am sure you would have loved the ceremony, and you were missed. Many tears were cried, I can assure you that. New beginnings are always a terrifying prospect. But we'll get through this. So yeah, I guess we're done with sixth form. Well, you're not, but you know what I mean. I think.

M.


	25. Chapter 25

Hey, Arthur!

Well, I'm still enjoying my days as a free man. Liberated from the shackles of the education system at long last! Well, until uni, of course, but that is a different story, and one that hasn't started yet. Gwen and I hung out in the park today. Picnic, ice lollies, sun. I nearly got attacked by a dog, even. Don't worry, it didn't hurt me. I'm sure you'd be crushed if something happened to your chronicler. No, it tried to bite my leg, but then it's owner came and told it off. Good thing, too, because if I had to kick it I would have felt awful. Gwen was worried, but eventually we laughed about it. And then it started raining. English weather never really gets the hang of this summer thing for long, does it!

I heard from Morgana that she and your father are going to Italy in a few days. For three weeks. Three weeks! That seems like a long time. At first I was outraged that they'd go without you, but then I suppose bringing a comatose guy to the Mediterranean is a bit of a cumbersome and silly undertaking. You wouldn't enjoy it much anyway. I've demanded that she send you a postcard though!

Gwen and Elyan are going to Cornwall next week. Elyan is going to surf, Gwen is going to draw old things. But first we have a few more days together!

Mum and I aren't going anywhere for the summer. We're saving up for the future. But my friend Will from Ealdor is coming over, and I'm excited; I haven't seen him in forever!

M.


	26. Chapter 26

Hi, Arthur!

So, Gwen called me just now, and she is having a great time! She's been to so many old castles and historical sights - she has promised to show me her sketches when she gets back. Elyan is having fun as well, though apparently there haven't been as many good waves as he'd hoped for. They both say a great hi to you, of course. Gwen must miss you. It's odd how even your unconscious presence really is comforting. I know what I'll do, next time she calls I'll put her on speaker phone for you! Maybe if you keep hearing her voice you'll get well quicker.

Will is coming over tonight, by the way. He's taking a late bus. Originally he was going to drive, but his car broke - some sort of engine failure. He did explain exactly what had gone wrong to me over the phone, but I know nothing about cars so it went in through one ear and out through the other. It'll be nice to have him over even if we can't drive around town like he promised. I'll bring him over to meet you! Not that you'll notice. Or maybe you will. I still don't know if you can ever hear me. But I do talk to you sometimes, just in case. If I were lying there like that, and I could hear, then I would get quite lonely if nobody chattered around me.

I just hope it is not annoying.

Anyway, you officially have permission to roll your eyes at me, slash maybe punch me in the face a little, if I have been bothering you all this time. But for this revenge to be enacted, you'll have to wake up properly first.

Just thought I'd give you some more incentive.

M.


	27. Chapter 27

Hi, Arthur!  
Your sister is officially a sweetheart. You know how I told her to send you a postcard from Italy? Well, she did, but she also sent one addressed to me. It's from Verona, with an aerial shot of the area on it. It looks really beautiful, but I bet it's crowded with sappy romantics who like Romeo and Juliet. Morgana doesn't seem to have gone to any Shakespearean sites, though.

Your own card I am sure you'll want to read for yourself. I'll put it in between these pages! Warning: It is very short.

As, come to think of it, are my visits to you nowadays. Sorry about that, but Will is keeping me busy. I never knew there was so much to do in Camelot! He was in here earlier, by the way. He didn't seem particularly impressed with my choice to spend time doing this, and he said some quite rude things. If you heard those, I'm sorry. He left in a huff, but I've cooled down now and I guess he has too. That's just the way Will works. He's got his own stuff to deal with, though. He's a good guy, really.

When you wake up there's a good chance you'll meet him, because he's applied for a job in town! He says the workshop down by the docks is his heaven, and he'd love to join them and fix cars for you fancy Camelot people. Well, each to their own I suppose.  
See you later!  
M.


	28. Chapter 28

Hey, Arthur!

After a couple of weeks of milling about, the world of academia strikes again - it is results day. And you will be happy to know that Gwen surpassed her expected results and will be starting Avalon this autumn! She is ecstatic, obviously. It's good to have her back and available for excessive hugging! And I really am super excited for her. I didn't get the exact results I wanted, but I think I'm going to keep my place - it all depends on some grants I've applied for, I think they technically required me to reach higher than I did. But if it goes through and I can afford it, I'll be going down there too! We are going to have so much fun. It's a real relief to know that Gwen got what she needed, I mean, not that there were ever any doubts, but still. It was sad to see her worry and she deserves all the best.

It'll be nice to study with likeminded people, and to make new friends. I feel like I've gotten some practice in that field. I'll scout out the area for you for when you wake up to apply for yourself!

I did talk to the rest of the gang as well - Gwaine is heading for Central Albion, and he outlined his plans to, in his words, "rescue their football team from the jaws of failure." I'll keep you updated on that adventure as well, of course. Leon got the grades needed to get into Nemeton, so I suppose he'll be a massively successful business man in a few years' time. Percival is going to University of Mercia, and so is Elena, so not all of the gang is split up! It feels odd being the only one whose future is uncertain, but I'm still joining the lot for drinks at The Sun tonight.

What with having to be frugal and all, it really is fortunate that I'm such a lightweight.

M.


	29. Chapter 29

Hello Arrthur!

No visit today, but an update all the same. Will and I have gone camping. Have you ever slept out on Castle Hill? It really is something. I hate hiking most of the time, but this view really is worth the pain of getting up here. I know you like hiking, so I suppose you would have gone up here at some point. I've heard it referred to as a place everyone goes with their families when they're little, so it's only outsiders like me who haven't had the experience before. Then again, I'm having trouble imagining your dad putting up a tent. I'll ask Morgana if you ever went. She probably thinks I'm annoying with all my questions about your family and childhood, but I need context to know what I should write, right?

Anyway, tonight there are no families up here, just me, Will, and quite a lot of sheep droppings. The sheep droppings are a bit of a drawback, I must admit. But I suppose that is nature for you - at the same time beautiful and full of shit. Wow, that is deep. I should study poetry, not biology! Though I suppose poo is pretty biological.

Still haven't heard back about that grant, by the way, but I promised Will I wouldn't think about it tonight.

Oh yeah, and there's a bottle of White Lightening involved, too, so if I die up here, let this diary state for all of posterity that it was entirely Will's fault!

When you wake up, maybe we can all go camping up here in the summer. All your friends, and me and Will. Your muscle mass has faded, of course, a year or so in a coma will do that to you, but as long as we keep exercising you, the doctors say you should technically be able to regain the use of your legs. You'll be running up this hill in no time. I mean, if what happened hasn't put you off hills for good.

I'm being accused of being boring, so I must go meet my fate at the hands of cheap alcohol. If I survive, I shall write you again tomorrow!

M.


	30. Chapter 30

Hi, Arthur.

Gwen is making daisy chains. You look very cute in them. Yes, by that I mean she's put one on you. It matches hers, and makes you look like some sort of fairy prince. And she's the princess. It's like Sleeping Beauty but with reversed genders, a really lovely picture. And now she's laughing at me because I said that out loud, and throwing flowers, too. Flower war seems imminent!

The summer weather is still changeable as ever, which is why the crafts session has been moved here - we picked the flowers earlier when the sun was out. Will has an interview at the workshop today, wish him luck!

(Between you and me, he's going to need it.)

Oh yeah, and I still haven't heard from the grant people. I'm interpreting that as a rejection, which is kind of shit, but oh well. My uncle Gaius has a position for me at his shop, so I could always defer. That means I still get to go to Avalon, I just have to work to make the money myself first.

It's weird that Gwen is going to be leaving, though. I always thought that we would go together. She's spending more time in here than she used to; whenever I come in, she seems to be sitting here. It almost worries me, but I suppose it's just that she needs to say goodbye. It must be hard for her, leaving you.

In case my writing seems grumpy or gloomy in the near future - that'll be because I am a bit grumpy and gloomy at the moment, not because the whole world has actually gone to shits. I suppose I am a little stressed out about things not turning out the way I thought they would, but it's not a big deal. I'll find a way to get there in the end. Besides, at least I'll have Will, if he gets that job. And I won't have to deal with leaving you behind. Because honestly, I'd probably find that difficult, too.

As usual, I'm pretty convinced you haven't read Sleeping Beauty right. The whole point of the story is, true love wakes her up in the end and everyone lives happily ever after. Well, we haven't got a hundred years. In much less time than that, Gwen will have left, so you better get your comatose arse into gear.

M.


	31. Chapter 31

Hi, Arthur.

So, tonight we are celebrating two new careers launched - Will at Camelot Dock Auto Repairs - really, what a creative name for a business - and me at Ambrosius. We are also saying a sombre goodbye to Gwen, Gwaine, Leon, Elena and Percival, who are going off to higher education and will all become professors of interesting and useful stuff.

The sods.

Yeah, okay, the goodbye party is the main event, because my job was fixed from the get go, and people here hardly know Will enough to throw him a congratulatory bash. Though if I were to think it likely from any group of friends I've met, this would be the one.

Maybe I should give a speech. That would be cool. I do feel like I have some things to say that could be said in a speech, you know? Things that would be too soppy or odd outside of the formal context. Like how grateful I am for the way they've taken me in, how much their welcome means to me, how especially Gwen became such a huge part of my life so quickly. That's not the kind of thing I usually say, except maybe to you. And I'm not saying anything out loud anyway, so I'm not sure it counts. I'll get to writing the speech.

And then I'll have to get excited about selling flowers and herbs and mystical stuff. And postcards. Yaaay. I suppose it can be interesting, and retail experience is always valuable on a CV. I can't be accused of doing nothing with my life.

M.


	32. Chapter 32

Hey, Arthur!

So, Gwen called! She's gotten herself settled in her halls flat. She says it is really nice there, she has a sink in her room and shares bathroom and kitchen with five other people. Her curtains are purple, her mattress is lumpier than the ideal but perfectly survivable, and there were potted flowers and a welcome note from the halls rep on her desk when she arrived. It seems like a very welcoming community! When we spoke, only three of the other people in her flat had arrived. They're all doing different subjects - one of the guys is doing biochemistry, like I would have done!

She says the flat is right across the street from the campus, and she can see the arts building from her kitchen window. That must be an awesome view, I remember from going there that the architecture is pretty swell. You have probably seen it yourself; you've been to Avalon, right?

She is going out with her flatmates to some sort of freshers thing tonight. The halls reps we're going to look after them, she said, let's hope they do a good job! Wouldn't want Gwen lost on her own among drunken, dangerous students. Up to no good, they are, and all strangers, too. I wish I was there to look after her. And to participate in the fun. Though I suppose she'd be looking after me more - she has done that ever since I've known her. Maybe it's a bit freeing for her not to have to look out for someone else all the time.

I am getting quite good at this whole flower arrangement thing, by the way. Your room is nowhere near as blossoming as it was in the beginning, but there tends to be some wreaths and stuff around. Nowadays I feel like I can give a professional critique on everything that comes by. So look forward to that on slow days!

M.


	33. Chapter 33

Hey, Arthur.

Another boring day making flower displays. Sorry if I smell sickening - I thought the shop was overwhelming at first, but I've gotten used to it. It's amazing how easy it is to get used to stuff, really. So if you can smell, then at least it won't take long before you get used to it, too. Will came by the shop today, though. That was fun. He looked a right mess! All oil and sweat. Now that is a smell I'm not sure I want to get used to. There were some old ladies who had come by to look at funeral wreaths, which is depressing enough if the Grim Mechanic himself doesn't bloody turn up! I quite like that idea, the Grim Mechanic being the modern version of the Grim Reaper. I suppose in terms of standing in society, they are pretty similar. Only thing is, the reaper reaps the crops, so when a soul is reaped, it makes more sense. Cars are related to death in a very very different way. But yeah, they both carry tools that could be used as weapons, and Will's black hoodie sort of matches the costume...

I think I drew that idea out for slightly longer than you'd be interested in. It was nice of him to pop by. My mind goes in so many directions when I'm at work; it is just so boring most of the time. And the amount of flowers we have to throw out because they're not perfect anymore, it's horrendous. I know it sounds trite, but fuck capitalism.

Seriously.

Maybe I could just bring them here! It would make your room smell a bit like the flower shop, but it would liven things up a bit. Surely you won't mind that the roses look a bit tired? I mean, your dad might mind, he seems like a perfectionist, but he's hardly ever here.

Yeah, I think I'll start doing that.

It was nice of Will to come by. It really makes a difference to have him around now that the people from school have all spread out in different directions! So typical of me to make friends with the ones who're leaving.

M.


	34. Chapter 34

Arthur.

Don't you dare be mad at Gwen. You have no idea what all of this has been like for her. Rearranging her whole life, moving halfway across the country all by herself, and all the while having you here in a state of... Well, not really offering much comfort. It's really hard, you know, because it's like you're simultaneously alive and dead. She has been so loyal to you, and so helpful and loving and devoted, but nothing's changed. You're like Schroedinger's boyfriend. Can you imagine what a tough time she's going through? So when I tell you this, don't you dare be mad at her.

She kissed someone else last night. And today she called me, crying. Because she likes him, she really does, and he likes her, obviously, because everyone does, but she feels so guilty. Because, you know, you guys haven't broken up or anything - how do you break up with a boyfriend in a coma? And she still cares about you and loves you, even, but it's too much. This whole situation is so much more than anyone should be expected to deal with. She should be allowed her freedom. If you were awake, who is to say that you wouldn't have broken apart by now? This whole horrible thing is bad enough as it is, it doesn't need to impair her whole emotional life. I told her that, and you're allowed to be pissed off with me, but I stand by it. She can't keep waiting for you, Arthur. What happened was horrible, but we all have to have our own lives. I told her to go ahead and fall for Lance. That's his name, and by the sound of it, he is great. You should be happy for her. I am. I understand that it's going to be painful to hear this, but it is the way things need to be.

It was terrible listening to her cry, and feeling so guilty for the most natural thing in the world - falling in love. Again. It is perfectly possible to fall in love twice, you know, this doesn't discredit any of what the two of you had. It just means that that's over. I'm angry with the world for letting this happen, for hurting you and her in this way, but there is nothing to do about it - not unless you want to end up in a bitter relationship where you stay together out of duty. Let's be real; people change in a year. I've changed. Gwen has changed. You have changed too, and there's no way of telling how.

I'm sorry, though. I am sorry.

M.


	35. Chapter 35

Hi, Arthur!

So I got in a row with one of the nurses today. Apparently she is allergic to peonies. Only the White ones, though! I've thrown them out now. That got me thinking about whether you have any allergies. I've sent Morgana an email to ask about it, but she has yet to reply - plenty of assignments to concentrate on, I suppose! But yeah, I definitely don't want to accidentally kill you with all my flowers. That would be very bad. According to the doctors, there are no "relevant allergies" in your records, but maybe you have some that they didn't consider relevant, you know? Better safe than sorry.

Will had the funniest idea the other day: a flower box boot. By which I mean he has mounted flower boxes inside his trunk, just beneath the window, and I will give him excess flowers to put in them. I hope you're not jealous that they won't all be yours. It already looks pretty nice with the pansies I had to get rid of this morning, and I think it might actually serve as a nice ad campaign for Ambrosius! Gaius should be proud of me, he really should. It's nice to have Will's car back up and running; I can tell he missed it, and the freedom it gives us is immense. This weekend we drove up to the moors. It was cold and bleak and very nice. Will had a cigarette and I wrote bad poetry and we laughed and it felt like a scene out of one of those coming of age films. Life's not all bad sometimes, it's important to remember that. It's important to remember that amid all the failures and accidents and betrayals and tears, I still have friends.

And so do you.

Gwen doesn't cry as much on the phone now. She sounded quite chirpy today, actually. I think Lance is really good for her, so let that be a comfort of you're still upset about the breakup thing. We're going down to visit her next week, Will and I, we're taking a couple days off work to go on a road trip. Then I'll meet him for myself and make some judgements for you about your successor.

I'm sure he's great; he would have to be to take over from someone like you! I hope you'll survive a couple days without me. I know you've grown attached to me, but it is important that we lead our own lives, pumpkin.

M.


	36. Chapter 36

Hi, Arthur!

Elena called today! It was a pleasant surprise, I haven't seen her since the summer. She was all up in arms about Gwen, demanding to know why I wasn't more upset. I had to justify Gwen's actions to her just as I have to you, and casually remind her that Gwen is my best friend and I couldn't possibly be mad at her for wanting to be happy. Well, best Camelot friend, I suppose; Will is my best friend overall.

Though now he is in Camelot and she isn't, which makes the whole ranking thing quite the headache. Why do we insist on ranking our friends anyway? It is a bit of a weird practice.

Aside from that whole debate, I got caught up on how she is doing, the summary of which can be said to be: great! She's having a lot of fun, and apparently Mercia is beautiful. Yes, I know, it's a sin to speak so well of your sports rival, but the truth can't be helped. Percy apparently agrees as well. The two of them are in the same halls building, and currently winning a five a side football tournament against the other accommodations. It sounds great. I'll ask Gwen if they do that sort of thing at Avalon! Neither she nor I would participate, I suppose, but watching could always be fun. Anyway, Lance is a bit of a football enthusiast, I gather, so if they have a tournament he'll be in it.

I hope you don't mind me mentioning him casually every so often - it would be difficult to write about Gwen's life without it. Just like it would be difficult to write about mine without mentioning Will.

I should try to get a recap with how your entire social circle is doing! Thus far, my contact with everyone has been sporadic, apart from Gwen, who I talk to all the time, and Gwaine - though his updates are mostly bad jokes and pictures of girls he wants my opinion on. Why he needs to consult random acquaintances in order to decide on a girlfriend is anyone's guess.

When Will and I come back from Avalon, I'll try to get in contact with Elyan, see how the Camelot football team is doing nowadays! I bet it would be in your interest to know.

M.


	37. Chapter 37

Hey, Arthur!

So, I am currently on a mattress on Gwen's floor at Avalon! The mattress basically takes up all the floor space, so that's a bit awkward, but we'll manage! The drive was long and exhausting, featuring a lot of pointless bickering with Will, some sing-alongs to T-Rex (Will's favourite) and Scissor Sisters (Mine - yes, I know, we're an odd pair. Also, shut up, they're catchy.) and of course kilos upon kilos of chocolate. Seriously, I've had nothing but Dairy Milk for the last eighteen hours, I must have an iron constitution not to be vomiting. My high chocolate tolerance is probably there to make up for my low alcohol tolerance, I suppose.

Anyway, Gwen's room is very cosy, if a little bit small. She's got some pretty cool posters up on her walls, and even some paintings she did herself. I can't really see where she has space to paint - she must do that in the kitchen. All in all, she's got what she needs - desk, lamp, bed, an inflatable mattress for visitors. Will is staying with Lance, which is a laugh and a half. They don't even know each other! Luckily Lancelot seems like an accepting sort of fellow, so all I need to worry about is whether Will might make him uncomfortable with his loudness and sense of humour. He and Gwaine need to go for a pint sometime; they're just about the same brand of mental, though Will is a tad bit more contrarian.

Anyway, Gwen is going to sleep now, and so am I. Sorry for the short entry, but I'm shot!

Nighty-night.

Oh, and by the way, they don't have a football tournament between halls - here they do volleyball. I saw a poster in the hallway.

M.


	38. Chapter 38

Hi, Arthur!

In summary, Lancelot is pretty great. He's like you in many ways - I suppose Gwen has a type! He is handsome and kind, and very good at football. He is also really charismatic, even Will was only a little bit skeptical. Though I suppose there is a limit to how skeptical you can be to someone whose floor you have to sleep on for two nights.

Yeah, even though Lance isn't in halls anymore, he doesn't have a living room or a sofa. University accommodations are pretty cramped in general it seems!

Back to my review of Lance, he also seems to be the perfect gentleman. This is, of course, one of the points on which you are different. No, really, all jokes aside, he seems to adhere to all these standards and codes he's made for himself about what is right and wrong, and it's almost a bit unnerving. Gwen seems to like it, though. Even though they are officially a couple, she still blushes whenever he holds a door open for her, which is incredibly cute. And he is just totally smitten with her. They look good together, they really do, and I know this is probably hard to hear about, but if possible, take comfort in the fact that you could not have been succeeded by a better guy!

Life at Avalon seems fantastic. Our hosts were in lectures for a great deal of the day, so Will and I did some exploring on our own. The library looks amazing, though to go further than the entrance you need a student ID. I didn't get to pass by when we were here for the tournament, because they only use the sports facilities, not the academic buildings. Anyway, the library building is this old, what, eighteenth century building, but one of the sides has been almost completely replaced with massive windows. I didn't know they were allowed to make that kind of modification, but I'm glad they did because it looks awesome! It also allowed me to see from the outside how many books there really are there. And how many students get to enjoy them. It was odd, looking into people's lives like that, seeing scenes I'll never understand or know the whole context for, but still sort of recognise. Will and I started doing voice overs for what people were saying and thinking - it was hilarious.

Gwen seems so happy here. She has friends, she is doing great in her design course - we got to see some of her works, believe me, they are splendid. She smiles a lot more now than I think she has done since before your accident. This university doesn't have the bullies of Ealdor or the gossips of Camelot. I am very happy for her.

Now we're going off to a pub quiz, which we are going to try our best to win. This outing will be all brain, no pints, because we are getting up at arse o'clock to drive home tomorrow. Wish us luck!

(Both with the quiz and the trip home, I suppose.)

M.


	39. Chapter 39

Hey, Arthur.

It's weird to be approaching exam time without having any exams to prepare for. I suppose for the general population "exam time" isn't the preferred term for this period of time, but after a fuckload of years in the school system, that is going to take some getting used to.

That being said, Will seems pretty used to it. He laughs at me whenever I bring it up, and he has only been out of school for a few years. The approach of winter brings some odd talking points with it - the other day we had a fierce debate that lasted at least two hours, if not three, centred around different kinds of ice prevention. You know, how to keep the roads from getting slippery if it snows over? I don't know if you have any opinion about it, but there are many opinions to be had, trust me. This year the winter is predicted to be very cold, so who knows, the debate might even be relevant at some point.

Brr. I feel cold even thinking about it. Snow is lovely and all, but as far as I've experienced it is just not worth it. I'm glad winter is still some way in the distance.

I've not talked to Gwen today either, because her preparation exam - that's right, a pre-test test at university level, what kind of course does that - on the history of speech bubbles, or whatever, is stressing her out. She just never learns, does she, that she of all people is going to be fine. She always has been. She always will be. So no communication from her since last entry. I have, however, talked to Gwaine, and he announced that he has a new girlfriend. Much celebrations, I suppose! At least I probably won't have to judge any more of his "spottings." That was a bit trite. It's weird to imagine him with anyone but Elena, but she's definitely moved on too, so it's fine.

Work is going well. There's now been three weddings this week. If they were hoping for nice, autumnal outside scenes with red leaves and crisp, clear air for their photos, I can imagine they will have been massively disappointed! There's been nothing but grey, gloomy, rainy, dreadful weather for what seems like a man's age. It can't have been a complete disaster, though. You don't plan an autumn wedding without booking an indoors venue. And if all else failed, I can assure you that the flowers were absolutely stunning. I made sure of that, thank you very much.

I hate to brag, obviously, but I am actually pretty good at flower displays. It was not my career of choice, but I have done a good job of it. Next summer, I will be the one making flower crowns for you!

Presumably you will be awake by then. Of course, I have previously presumed that you would be awake this time last year, so who knows. Let's change that to hopefully. Hopefully you will be awake by then.

And probably you won't want any flower crowns, especially not from me. It's hard to remember that sometimes.

M.


	40. Chapter 40

Hi, Arthur.

I'm sorry I haven't written to you or visited your room in the last few days. I have been to the hospital, but not to your wing. I'm sorry. I'm not even there now, I went for a walk. Up to where you had your fall, actually, I don't know why, that's just where my feet took me. I will visit tomorrow, though. Plenty of things have been happening.

You know how I asked you not to be angry with Gwen for kissing Lancelot? And for getting together with him and being happy? Well, I'd never say so out loud, but I am. I am angry. Going to see them at Avalon was great, and I'm glad she's happy. I really am. At the same time it hurts. She has moved on. And I know that's a good thing, and no-one knows as well as I what she went through last year, believe me. I sat with her when she was crying, hugged her, held her hand, I started writing this book for her sake. Well, for you, too, but mostly for her. I was her friend, not yours, not really. But now she doesn't need me anymore.

And of course that shouldn't matter. It is so much better not to be needed, but I can't help being angry, maybe not with her but with the fact that she is allowed to move on. She is at Avalon, with Lance, with her new life. She is smiling and happy, she has friends around her. She doesn't even need you. But I do. More than ever. I don't have any certainty in my future. Everyone seems to be moving on, to have some life they're making. I just have this diary. I just have you.

Even though I'm still not your friend. Not really. And when you wake up, you'll just leave me too.

Sorry, that was uncalled for. I don't know if it's true. But it seems likely.

Will died this morning after three days in intensive care. Car accident. Bloody mechanics, take care of everyone else's cars, forget to check their own brakes are working properly. They tried to help him, but there really wasn't a chance. I went up here because, I.

I really needed to get away. My mother is so worried, and of course I'm making everything so much worse by running away, but I just couldn't look at her face anymore. It's like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Now I dread going back, because I know how scared and angry she'll be, and I hate seeing that, but the longer I stay, the worse it gets. The thing is, it's all my fault. If I'd just gritted my teeth with how they treated me at Ealdor, mum wouldn't have started looking for jobs elsewhere, we'd have never moved here, and neither would Will, and he'd still be alive.

So yeah. That sucks.

I'm sorry for making your diary all about me. I didn't mean to.

Sorry.

M.


	41. Chapter 41

Hi, Arthur!

I appear to have spoken too soon when I said I'd be visiting you again today. Spending half a night outside in an oncoming winter is not a good choice, and I am bedridden with the most annoying of flus. "I opened the window and in flew enza," as mum always says. It was funny at some point, I suppose. It's not easy to laugh right now. At least she wasn't very angry that I stayed out so long. Then again, it wasn't anger I was worried about. I didn't want to upset her, but once I realised that, the damage had already been done. Oh, well. Here I am, sniffling and grieving. In a few days I'll be going back to flower displays. I'm going to make my own wreath for Will's funeral, I've decided. I'm going to put little nuts and bolts and stuff in it, because after all, he did love cars. It was his own damn lack of self-preservation that killed him, not the vehicle.

Gwen's been calling. She's such a sweetheart trying to take care of me even though I'm so far away. She said she'd try to come visit next weekend, but I persuaded her not to. She's coming home for Christmas soon anyway, so there's not really a need. I don't want the fuss, that won't help. Plus, no use giving her my flu! She has sent me all the love and virtual hugs that a friend can hope for. I don't know why, but I was slightly bothered that she didn't ask how you were. I mean, I haven't been to see you so I wouldn't know, and the answer has been the same for well over a year, but she always used to ask. Things change, I suppose.

Your sister sent me a message as well. That was kind of her. As did Gwaine, and Elena. Elyan called and offered to play checkers. It's so odd, having all your friends there for me. They're not my friends per se, but I'm sort of borrowing them for a while. I hope that's okay. I'm going to be cheeky and say that I need them more than you do right now. Still, I miss you. That's a bit silly, you're basically asleep all the time and possibly don't know I'm there, but I do miss you. It's comforting being around you.

Until I'm well enough to get out of bed and well enough that the nurses will let me into the hospital, I shall write you from here.

M.


	42. Chapter 42

Hey, Arthur.

I'm surviving. I wouldn't say I'm feeling a lot better - well, my sinuses are, but they were never the real problem. Things haven't really changed, but I guess you could say I've stabilised. Then again, you stabilised pretty quickly and you're still in a coma. If I'm going to still feel like this so far from now? Just thinking about it makes me want to cry again. But how can I ever feel better? Will is dead. Fucking dead, stone cold and buried.

He would have so loved his mechanic's wreath. I almost feel bad for making it. There's no point, is there, making something for someone who's never going to see it? I don't believe in a life after death, and Will certainly didn't, so it's wasted. If it had made me feel any better, it might have been a good thing, but it really didn't. Will was buried far from home, surrounded by new acquaintances. His mum didn't even come down for the funeral, only the oldest of his little sisters. Thirteen, she is. If you ask me, she shouldnt be coming all this way on a train all on her own, but she seemed to handle it.

You had better read this when you wake up.

You had better wake up.

I won over Elyan at checkers. He is studying, studying, studying at the moment though, end of term exams and all. I pep talked him a bit. The penultimate round! Et cetera et cetera. It was nice of him to pop by even in his busy schedule. I owe you so much, Arthur.

One week until Gwen and Gwaine come home for the holidays. Then Elena and Perce the day after. Morgana will be here in three days' time, and I've demanded she visit you while I'm there. I haven't checked when Leon is coming back, I should ask him.

Tomorrow I will be well enough to visit you for sure! Gaius hasn't even let me work on flowers that are being sent to sick people since I got back to work. I've been stuck in the occult half. So yeah, that overwhelming flower smell? Prepare for it to be replaced with incense!

See you tomorrow. I really can't wait.

(Yes, I can. I'm quite good at waiting by now.)

M.


	43. Chapter 43

Hey, Arthur.

There you are. Sleeping calmly on your white hospital pillow. Your hair looks really shiny, they must have washed it this morning. I'm glad to see they take care of you even when I'm not here making sure. I'm not certain they've trained your legs, though. I can do that tomorrow; the machine is taken today. You look very pale, Arthur. It's very odd. You used to always look so lively, so shiny golden. Now only your hair is gold, and your face is nearly as white as the sheets. Still, it's good to see you again. I have missed your face, pallid or otherwise.

There was an early Christmas card on your nightstand when I entered, and I couldn't resist snooping. Apparently your sister sends her hugs and well wishes, and apparently one of the reasons for that is that "Merlin will keelhaul me if I don't send anything." It is nice to know that I'm having an effect. The other reason is, of course, that she loves you very much, although of course you are Pendragons, and above expressing such vulgar feelings as love.

I brought you some flowers. Nothing special, just leftovers from Ambrosius. I'd have taken a "mystic candle" - that's the one that smells of cinnamon and dried flowers and something metallic - but not even I am fool enough to think they'd allow that in a hospital, even in a wing as fancy as this.

Gwaine just messaged me. Apparently he's bringing Eira with him to stay for a few days at his house, and then she'll go home for Christmas. That sounds really unlike him! Bringing a girl home to meet his parents? Is this commitment I'm seeing? I'd have expected him to play the field for a few years at least. She's leaving on the twentieth, though, so at least she's not staying over for the full holidays. I'd be seriously worried that he's rushing things.

I'm glad to be back. I'm still empty and wrong, and all the good things don't seem to reach all the way to my core, where it's still just screaming and missing Will and everything. But it is nice and right to sit here with you. This is where I'm supposed to be.

M.


	44. Chapter 44

Hello, Arthur.

So. Funny thing happened. Well, by funny I mean weird. And by weird I mean awkward. Well, not awkward, really, except it was a bit. Maybe confusing? I mean, it is definitely confusing, but maybe that is also the principal descriptor. Anyway, I'm rambling. Let's take this from the beginning.

I went to meet Gwaine and Eira at the station. The weather was absolutely sour and horrible, but whatever. It was nice to see Gwaine again! He greeted me with a massive bear hug. And Eira was nice, very pretty and a bit quiet - but then again, so would I be if I was the one meeting my boyfriend's friends for the first time. And then I went to Gwaine's place with them to watch a film, because Gwen's train didn't arrive until like half an hour ago, so there was time to kill.

Fittingly, we watched Kill Bill.

It was nice, just the three of us lying on Gwaine's sofa having a good laugh, because that is one hell of a weird film, and a bit of a chat about everything and nothing. I was between the two of them, so they wouldn't be tempted to get into canoodling. Eira studies chemistry, it transpired, and we talked about biochem for a bit. I'd all but forgotten that I considered studying that for a while, but you know, the maths bit would have never gone well. Gwaine cut the conversation short with a cushion, though. He sure knows how to communicate.

Or maybe not. Or maybe I'm just an idiot. Because when I was leaving, Eira gave me a hug, and I could have sworn she tried to kiss me. Which, you know, was a bit unwise because, well, we just met, she has a boyfriend, I kind of care about said boyfriend and he is also RIGHT THERE. So I turned to him to see if he'd noticed. And then HE kissed me. Like, a proper kiss.

So now I'm confused. I just left to pick up Gwen and said no more about it. I didn't know how to react. I've not even told her, and I don't think I will. I don't know where to begin. There's just been a lot of hugging and asking if I am okay. I think I am? I mean, I'm holding up. I'm not as broken as I was at the funeral, or when I ran away that time. And hey, I did just have my first kiss.

Yes, at the age of eighteen. Go ahead and laugh at how pathetic I am.

Gwen is still talking to you. She's not whispering exactly, but she speaks very softly, and I make no effort to hear, because I know it's private. I wonder if she's still apologising. But hey, that's between you and her, I suppose.

M.


	45. Chapter 45

Hi, Arthur.

Sorry about the ripped out page. I've tried my best not to do that, because I want you to go through this journey the way it was and not an edited version decided afterwards. It was a temptation to just rip out everything about Will in the week after he went. But I resisted. Even though it still hurts to come across his name, it's nice to have him still sort of existing in here. Anyway, this time, the page needed ripping out no matter what it does to consistency in narrative or the physical appearance of the book, because there was just too much information. Things I do not think you would want to know. I will summarise the scribbling I have mercifully spared you from here:

I confronted Gwaine about the whole kiss thing, and he apologised. Then, after some enlightening conversation, I kind of agreed to have a threesome with him and Eira. And then, well, that happened. And I'm not sure how to feel about it.

I mean, it was nice. But still. A bit of a surprising turn of events.

In more normal news, Gwen, who doesn't know, by the way, never will and nor will anyone else if I get my way, is doing great. She still looks a bit bashful anytime we run into someone who is good friends with you, but so far nobody has been nasty about the breakup. That is a relief and a half. I think they can tell how bad she still feels about it. Also maybe they can tell that I'm prepared to defend her honour to the death of need be. I am sure this is a sentiment you will approve of.

My own honour, on the other hand... This certainly makes me reconsider a lot of things about Gwaine. Eira I didn't know that well prior to this whole ordeal, in fact I still don't feel like I know her very well which kind of adds to the awkward, but with Gwaine I am left wondering whether I missed a whole lot of signals. It was just so surreal, I wasn't even sure it really happened.

But no, yeah, definitely real. It's good to have a friend like you to confide in, whether it is about grief or excitement or sexual confusion. I know you won't look at me all judgemental like. At least not for the moment. I suppose if you do get to reading this whole thing sometime there will be a whole lot of judging going on. Pretty heavy judging. But at least I am able to give you context first. You're hardly likely to interrupt me!

I promise I will try not to agonise over the Gwaine-Eira-sudden-threesome situation too much. I don't seem to be able to deal with it, so maybe I should just pretend it didn't happen.

M.


	46. Chapter 46

Hi, Arthur!

Today, your sister took me Christmas shopping. This is an opinion I have already expressed a billion times, but I shall say it again: she is an absolute dear. I am a little bit in love with her. In a completely platonic way, of course, don't worry! I just kind of wish I had a sister like that.

We had a lot of fun, and it was really helpful in keeping my mind off the Episode. I hadn't gotten any presents for anyone except you, what with having had a really really crappy autumn and all, so the trip was needed! I found a really beautiful fountain pen for Gwen - she's been talking about makings her own calligraphy font, so I'm sure she'll like it. And it was totally within budget, too. For a Rich Girl, Morgana is really good at hunting down offers! She is an excellent gift finder as well, she helped me a lot. Though she did settle on a very boring gift for your father from you guys; he's getting a bottle of whiskey. I never understood whiskey. I only tried it once and it tasted like something leaking out of the faucet in a burnt out house only inhabited by semi-sentient rats. When I expressed this opinion to Morgana, she insisted I just haven't tried "the real thing." I am a little bit scared.

I found the perfect present for my mum. She collects these figurines, it's proper old lady kind of stuff which she is too young and relevant for in my opinion, but she's been doing it since she was a teenager. And they had one of the pieces that were missing from her collection just lying around at this one thrift shop Morgana took me to! I can't wait to see what she thinks of it. I even snuck off and got Morgana a gift - nothing special, just a Christmas wrapped box of macaroons - and when I got back, she had a little gift for me as well. From what she said, she seems to be fairly happy in the rest of her life, though she complained a lot about her dissertation. Now there is a concept I am dreading, although thankfully it is far off in the future for you and me both.

I can't remember the last time I felt so normal. I must have been lonelier than I thought, which is saying something because without Will I often feel so utterly alone I can't breathe. Seeing Gwaine was supposed to help, and it did in some ways but it all got very complicated very quickly, so thank you for letting me borrow your sister. I really appreciate it. Your other friends too, of course - we are all going out for a Christmas get together tonight. Gwen, Leon, Percy, Elena, the lot. Eira went home this afternoon, so it will just be the old Camelot gang. Hopefully being around Gwaine won't be too awkward - trust me to get off with the one who's got a girlfriend. At least she was in on it. Hopefully he won't say anything. I don't think I'm ready for the world to know. Does that mean I'm ashamed? I don't know, I don't think so? Gah, this is making my head hurt.

Catch you later!

M.


	47. Chapter 47

Merry Christmas, Arthur!

Morgana wrote "from Morgana and Arthur" on her present, so I have to thank you, too, for the nice, warm earmuffs. If I'm honest, I think they look a bit silly, but then, I am a bit silly, so I suppose it fits. Gwen gave me a hat to go with the mittens from last year, so I shall have to wear them every other day! I hope you're having a good time down at the hospital - or inside your head, or in fairy land, or wherever your consciousness is these days. Maybe you've gone to the North Pole? If so, make sure to thank Father Christmas for me. He has been very kind.

It is weird having Christmas without Will. He was a staple in our house. His home life was always a bit tumultuous, to put it that way. He came to stay over Christmas when I was ten, and it just became tradition. He even came down to Camelot last year to celebrate with us. This year, all I get is a visit to his grave. His present will be a candle and a wreath. Both are from Ambrosius, obviously. At least he will smell Christmassy!

I'm dreading setting the Christmas dinner table for only two people.

Perhaps I should try to pop by the hospital on my way back from the graveyard? I wouldn't want you to be lonely. Just in case there aren't any celebrations at the ward, you know? It would just be a short visit, but it's better than nothing. Yes, I think I'll do that. The leftover flowers from Ambrosius are crowding our sitting room, so I'll take one of those, too. And since I'm going to Will's grave anyway, mum won't start saying I shouldn't go. She worries too much.

It's not snowy, but there is frost on the ground, and on the trees, so the world is sparkly and at kind of Christmassy anyway. It's good enough, I guess. One day we'll have a proper white Christmas, and you'll be awake, and we'll have a snowball fight, which I will start, and you will call me childish, but then you'll join in and you will win, of course. That is my Christmas wish.

So again, Merry Christmas. May you be able to say it back next time.

M.


	48. Chapter 48

Hi, Arthur!

I brought you a poinsettia on Christmas, but it's not here anymore. I wonder where they've put it. My mother was indeed miffed about me visiting you, which makes very little sense. It's not like I'm not doing a good thing! But she says Christmas is for family. I almost countered that Will wasn't technically family either, but that would be far too pointy a remark for Christmas Day. Still, I care about you, and I wanted to see how you were. There should be nothing wrong with that.

I hope you are surviving without the Queen's speech, because as it turns out, neither Morgana nor I watched it this year either. I asked her how Christmas was at your place, and this time I said before she could answer that "Hell as usual" was not an option. I don't know if she was planning to say that, but she did go on to summarise that Christmas dinner was delicious, but boring, with just her and your dad. Apparently they have very little to talk about. She got many useless pretty things, and he got presents which she described as "tokens carrying the message that he is a wealthy and important man, but no deeper meaning than that." Which is a very cynical way of looking at things. I think her Christmas would have been a lot better with you there, and I think they should have visited you. If Christmas is for family, why didn't your real family stop by to put a flower by your bed? Obviously, they don't have the same near limitless supply of flowers that I do, but still.

Maybe she's just a bit gloomily disposed towards the whole thing. If she went into the day having already decided not to enjoy it, which judging from her usual comments about the season is quite likely, then there never was much hope. Still, it would have been nice if she could have a good time. She is leaving town tomorrow, because she is celebrating New Year's Eve with her friends from university. She even said to write in a goodbye from her, which I guess means she is not going to come and see you before she leaves.

I know it's not my place to worry about your sister, but I think she needs you. Come back to her, please? Come back to all of us. Otherwise, they are going to keep letting go. I am going to have to let go. And I don't want to do that.

M.


	49. Chapter 49

Happy New Year, Arthur!

No big party for me this year; I had a drink with Gwaine, Gwen and Elyan for show and that was it. It was nice, though. It's going to be weird to be alone again. I mean, not alone. I'll still have you. And Elyan will be here, I suppose, though he'll be busy with exams and applications and stuff, as well as football. The rest of the gang will be call-able, I suppose.

I'll manage. I'll find something to do. Or I'll make some new friends. I didn't do much of that after the summer, unless you count the regular customers at Ambrosius as friends. I had Will, though, didn't I, so I didn't really need anyone else. And then after he died, I've been grieving. I'm not sure I'll ever really stop grieving. Maybe that's just how it is, maybe the dead stay with us and we just have to adjust the grief and make it a less overwhelming part of our lives. Well, that's what I'm going to try to do. At least I know I do have friends, even though they're not going to be right here in Camelot.

Gwaine hasn't outright mentioned the whole threesome thing, by the way. He does keep smiling at me, though, and generally being very... I can't tell whether he is flirting with me or whether he is just being Gwaine? I kind of don't want him to be flirting with me. I mean, he's great, but he's not... He's not it. You know? He's not who I want. Besides, he already has a girlfriend, and I think that whole ordeal is a little bit more than I can deal with at the moment. I mean, long distance awkward polyamory? One hell of a first venture into the whole relationship thing. I'm going to just hope I'm reading too much into things. I'm going to just hope it slides away into the past and becomes one of those bizarre did-that-really-happen incidents.

Not that that wasn't basically how I felt about it at the time anyway.

But yes, enough of that; there is a new year to be won! We've counted down, we've had our midnight kisses - mine was on the cheek, from Gwen, luckily. Less precarious territory. The past is now the past. This is the year when I will be able to afford going to Avalon, the year that Morgana will graduate from university, and the year that you wake up.

Yes, I'm still insisting that you will wake up soon. I know I have been unrealistic about this since the very beginning, but bear with me. I need to hold onto something.

M.


	50. Chapter 50

Hey, Arthur.

Right. Back to normal. January is the most depressing month of the year. Christmas is over, and you know, I'm fine with it not being Christmas, but I miss Christmas being close, so that I could look forward to it openly. You know? It's so far away now, it makes no sense to look forward to it. And I'm, as I said, back to normal. Working at Ambrosius, hanging out at the hospital, having terrifying conversations with my mother about the future. It's only been half a year, but I feel so out of the loop when it comes to studying! I have a completely different rhythm now than I had last year. The mere thought of concentrating long enough to study for exams is totally alien. I suppose I'll get back into it, though. I feel very useless here, to be honest. I mean, flower arrangements and occult knick-knacks? Not to knock it, uncle Gaius is running a great shop and I respect that, but it's not what I want to do. I want to study things, I want to understand things. I want to dig through a library like the one at Avalon and I want to be something. Something great. I don't really know exactly what it is I want to be in the end, what I want to do for a job and that. But I don't think I'm ready to know. I don't need to be, right? Right.

I'm so stuck. I've got months and months left of this before I get to go anywhere that isn't Camelot. I work and I write and I wait, and I feel really empty really often. I wish Will was here. "Back to normal" isn't really possible without him, because it's not normal that my best friend is dead. I miss him so much. He would know just what to say and what to do to pull me out of this moping. Go on about some car thing for ages and be horrified when he realised I don't know what he was talking about. Share some really bad cider and just laugh all night. He'd be loud and annoying and stupid and all in all the perfect best friend.

I don't really drink these days. It's not healthy, drinking by yourself, is it. The last thing I need is to become an alcoholic on my involuntary gap year! Although it would make for a quite interesting introduction to new people at uni. "Hello, my name is Merlin, and I'm an alcoholic. No, really. Want a glass?" "It's half nine. In the morning." "Bottoms up!" God, even my horrible attempts at joking are depressing now.

The reason I'm so scared of the future is that I still have such high hopes for it. But everything I've hoped for lately has just gone directly to the shits. You can't blame me for being a little bit terrified, right?

M.


	51. Chapter 51

Hi, Arthur!

I'm having a drama. I don't particularly like dramas. Especially the ones where people yell a lot and talk past each other and don't see sense. Fortunately, there's not much of that going on. Nobody is saying anything at all, really. It's not really that dramatic outside my own head. I suppose it just boils down to me having a lot of feelings and being confused and frustrated. Or, as some people call it, a teenager. Heading towards the end of the stretch, but it appears there is still time for some angst.

Have you guessed that the subject of these feelings and confusions and frustrations is Gwaine? Because it is Gwaine. He and Eira broke up the day before yesterday, and he announced it to me in a message with a winky face.

A bloody winky face!

What am I supposed to make of that? He already flirts with me all the time. I have come to the conclusion that that is what he is doing. And somehow, even though being in a relationship was no barrier to stop him from getting with me - you may remember that this debacle all started when they BOTH got with me - it sort of feels like this changes the meaning of that? Because now he's flirting with me individually. That is different from inviting me into a threesome, right? And sometimes he seems so genuine. I don't talk to him about my problems much, and I'm nowhere near as honest as I am with you, but he is very supportive. He's very ready to tell me all sorts of nonsense about how I am great and deserve better and yadda yadda.

The thing is, I think he might like me. I mean, I know he likes me, but he might actually have feelings for me. Actually, I'm pretty sure he does.

And I don't know how I feel about that.

Gwaine is great. He is super. He is handsome, funny, a bit childish but not nearly as stupid as he likes to pretend he is, he is genuinely kind and sometimes very sweet. But he's not the one I want. I wish I did. It would have been easier. It would have been so, so much easier. He really deserves it. Fuck, I really deserve it! Imagine actually loving someone who loves you back. That sounds amazing. I'm half a mind to just say yes if he asks. It would be a long distance relationship anyway, so Icould always pretend. Fake it til I make it. But I know that won't work. If you don't have that kind of feelings for someone, you can't just make them appear. That's just as impossible as making them go away when you don't want them to be there. That's what's so crap about feelings. They don't obey. Not even when all your humble request is, is for them to make some bloody sense.

I shall proceed with some much needed swearing.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuck fucking shit fuck.

You know, that actually made me feel a tiny bit better.

M.


	52. Chapter 52

Hi, Arthur!

First off, I did a thing yesterday. It was stupid, and I have decided that you don't need to know the details, so I ripped out the page. Second time that's happened, I know. Let me just say that I am so, so sorry. Even though you don't know what I did. I think. But I'm sorry for doing it anyway. It was out of order. Sorry for being cryptic, but that's just the way it is.

Anyway, I've got good news for you: the nurses say your brain activity shows you'll be ready to wake up soon.

Soon! Soon is such a relative word. They weren't even that specific, but after pestering them, they say the shortest time, if everything works out entirely in our favour, is two weeks.

(So far, things have hardly ever worked out in our favour, but hoping is permissible.)

Two weeks! After all this time, suddenly the indefinite "at some point" that I've been waiting for, that we've all been waiting for, might be as close as two weeks! Of course, you'll not be entirely awake and back and functioning two weeks from now, but they say you might be able to open your eyes, take a bit of notice of the world around you - and then they'll work on getting your functions back, so you'll be moving your limbs and getting to learn how to use your body again. You'll be talking again.

Oh my god, I wonder what your voice will sound like! It's been so long since I heard it, and having been out of business for so long, who knows how it might have changed? It will be very difficult for you, I expect, to get back into the habit of moving and talking. And eating! That must be weird. I called Gwen as soon as they told me. I think you'd want her to be here after all, to say hello, to help. She was a bit reluctant, but I think it will be better hearing it from her anyway? I don't want you to feel like she just abandoned you, that is so far from the truth. I didn't call Morgana yet, because surely your dad will tell her. They were about to phone him when I got in. It feels odd to know that you'll be waking up before he did, but it also is kind of nice being the first to know. They probably think I'm your best friend. That's not exactly it, because we didn't hang out much before this whole diary thing started, but it is kind of true in reverse. You really have, without knowing it, helped me through a lot, and I'm grateful for that. I hope that me being here has had some sort of positive effect on your healing!

I'm very excited for you. Now I'm off to contact the rest of your friends!

M.


	53. Chapter 53

Hi, Arthur.

Even I can tell now. Or maybe I'm just imagining it. But it seems like you're closer to us. I mean, the machines make completely different noises, which is an objective scientific indicator that something has changed, but I swear sometimes I can see your eyes moving under their lids. I've talked out loud more in this visit than I have since Gwen and I used to come together. I put her on speaker phone earlier - did you hear that? In case you didn't, the main message is that she'll be coming up on the weekend. They're going to try to bring you out of the coma then. They control it with their machines and drugs and stuff, obviously they need to do this gradually. It's all very exciting. And kind of nerve wracking, it's been so long, so much has changed! What if you don't like it?

I mean, some things are going to upset you. Gwen breaking up with you, for instance. You're also probably not going to be best pleased with everyone having finished school and left before you. That's a tough blow, I know, though I've already dealt with it. I hope you will, too. I'm sure if anyone can catch up, it will be you. Normal people wouldn't be able to wake up after being out for so long. You really are special, and that's why I am so sure you're going to heal, and maybe not get entirely back to the way you were, but you're going to function and be happy. I just know it. If you were the actual sleeping beauty and slept for a hundred years, you'd still make it.

You're kind of a fairy tale of your own, now! A modern day miracle of medicine.

I am absolutely terrified. For all I know you never even learnt my name. I've never ever heard you say my name. You might think of all my visits as an invasion of your privacy. Please don't sue me? I was trying to be kind. I was trying to help. This diary, it's coming to an end soon. I don't know if you'll read it. I don't know if you'll like it. I don't know if you'll like me. It's not like I'd prefer it if you stayed in a coma or anything. It's just, things are going to change, and you were important to me. You are important to me. In a way that I am not important to you. I could trick myself into thinking that this book was you, that the you of the future was reading somewhere. In reality you might just chuck them away immediately. Why would you want to read this?

Sorry, I'm freaking out a little. This isn't helpful. I'm glad you're waking up. It's about bloody time.

Please, please, please, please like me.

Fingers crossed for the weekend, yeah?

M.


	54. Chapter 54

Hi, Arthur.

This is the last entry of your coma diary. This is my last visit to your hospital room. It feels odd. It feels sad. Actually it feels kind of horrible, but I feel horrible about feeling horrible, because I know it's a good thing, really. I'm not going to have this outlet anymore - somehow I don't think it will be the same writing a diary without thinking you might read it one day. Ending here doesn't feel right. Everything has changed, but nothing has finished. Things have just happened, you know? I guess hoping for life to have a recognisable narrative arc is a bit stupid, still I can't help feeling this is sort of anticlimactic. Especially as this is where my story ends with you. I'll leave you the diary, all volumes. I'm not sure if you'll read them, I'm not sure if I want you to, but you should have them, that's how this all started, after all. A diary for you to read when you wake up.

I won't be there when you wake up. I don't think I could take it, to be honest. And honest, well, that's a thing I haven't really been, not completely.

I think my mum is right. I think this whole project isn't entirely good for me.

Here's a confession: ever since I got to Camelot, I had this massive crush on you. Yeah, I know, there's no accounting for taste, right? It was just a distant crush, though. I didn't really know you, and I loved Gwen so I would obviously never have done anything about it anyway. I've not told anyone. But I sort of feel like it's dishonest not to say, especially with the way things are now.

I care about you. More than that, I depend on you. I think I might even love you. And that is very, very bad, because I don't know you. You don't know me, although if you've read this diary then perhaps you do, to an extent - my point is, I've invested too much emotion in something that isn't real. You're not real. The you I know is not a thing. It's like that line in The Lord of the Rings, you know, 'It is but a shadow and a thought that you love.' Like, I don't even know if quoting Lord of the Rings in a this situation makes any sense to you. The you that I love is the idealised version of yourself that I admired from afar, coupled with all the things you've come to represent to me by being a constant in what has probably been the most difficult eighteen months of my life. None of that is the actual Arthur Pendragon. I'm so obsessed with this fake you that it's inhibiting my ability to develop other relationships - Gwaine never had a chance when by rights he should have. What I feel for you is very intense and very warped, and that's why I don't want to be there when you wake up. You won't want to see me, and I think having to encounter the real you after all this time would be bad for me.

Fuck. I need some therapy.

And yeah, the thing that I did that I mentioned the other day, I might as well tell you. In a weak moment, I kissed you. Just on the cheek, but still, kissing someone who's in a coma is pretty damn dodgy, and I am so so sorry I did that. I was confused and depressed, and I made a mistake.

You'll be waking up in the next few days. I hope the world welcomes you back with all the warmth you deserve. Your dad will be here, and your sister, and Gwen. All those who are closest to you.

Goodbye, Arthur. Best of luck with your recovery.

Love from Merlin.


	55. Epilogue

It's a late afternoon and it's cold, and Arthur walks cautiously down the little driveway. It looks like it might snow at some point, but at least the roads aren't icy. He probably wouldn't do well on icy roads; his limbs are still stiff and odd, not as easy to inhabit as they used to be. He'll probably always be in some kind of pain. But at least he's here. He has walked all the way on his own. It's not terribly far, but for someone in his situation it is an impressive feat. He hesitates for one moment before ringing the doorbell. The bell sounds, a sharp drring, and then there is a noise from inside, someone walking from one room to the next. Then Merlin opens the door. He stands, stares.

"Hi," says Arthur.

"Hi," echoes Merlin.

A few seconds pass.

"Can I come in?"

"Yes! Yes, sure, sorry."

Merlin steps aside and lets Arthur through, closing the door behind him against the bitter wind that is threatening frost.

"I wasn't expecting... Do you want a chair? You should probably sit down. Did you walk? You did, didn't you. That's crazy."

He gets no answer. Instead Arthur hugs him. This perplexes Merlin, who freezes. He doesn't know what to do with his arms, settles for awkwardly patting Arthur's back.

"Thank you," says Arthur.

"You read it, then."

Arthur lets out a huff of laughter.

"Yes. Many times. All of it. Well, all except those two pages." At the mention, Merlin flinches. Arthur grimaces. "Can I have a seat?"

"Yes, of course. Would you like a cup of tea? I was just about to make some."

They sit in Merlin's living room, each on a comfy chair hugging a mug of tea. Neither knows what to say.

"I didn't know whether you'd actually read them," Merlin confesses, "Much less whether you'd ever want to talk to me afterwards. I kind of figured you wouldn't. I mean... It's been months. I'd given up on the idea, really, I was sure you'd..."

"Don't be an idiot. I was glad to have them. They were... Personal. Human. Much better than list summaries of major events that I missed." He hesitates. "I was so confused when they gave them to me. I mean, I was confused in general; I'd just fallen down and suddenly skipped nearly two years ahead, but the notebooks confused me too. They just said they were from my friend, the one who visited every day, and I couldn't figure out who it was."

The silence falls again.

"So what do we do now?"

"I don't know. But it would be - I would be happy if we could be... Friends."

"We can be friends. Of course."

"Great! Great."

"Why did it take you so long?"

"Hm?"

"You've been awake. You read the diary. Many times. But you never once said - I mean, you could have given some sort of word, you know. Just to let me know."

"I... I have to get back. They'll be wondering where I've got to. Seems like someone's always watching me these days."

"You mean you came here without telling anyone?"

"Yes. I'm not a child, Merlin. I wanted... I wanted to do this on my own. It's got nothing to do with them."

"You're mad."

They're in the hallway now, and neither of them has mentioned the last page yet, not until Arthur stops in his tracks and Merlin immediately turns, worried, ready to act if something is wrong.

"Merlin, I don't... Know you. I mean, I've hardly ever talked with you, and I don't know what it's like being around you, but the guy writing the diary - I know I quite like him. A lot, actually." Merlin doesn't answer. "I was scared. That's the reason. It was so... Big. Having a friend I didn't know. I wanted to be able to... Do justice to your devotion, or something, I wanted to be worthy of you and all you did, and I'm still not sure I am. You know? So I... That's stupid, I guess. But it... You... You did make me feel a lot of things. And that's scary, feeling strongly about someone you technically don't know, you of all know that, I mean... Shadow and a thought and all?" He stops. Draws a deep breath. Merlin stands completely still. "Actually. About that bit. I was going to ask if maybe you wanted to see a movie or something. Sometime. As a - you know. I - yeah."

"Yeah," Merlin answers, his voice hoarse, "That sounds... Great."

"Great." Arthur beams. When they get to the door, he turns around. "Bye, then."

"Bye. See you later."

"Yeah. Oh, and one more thing." He leans forward swiftly and brings his lips to Merlin's for a short moment before he pulls back. "Now we're even."

"I kissed you on the cheek," Merlin splutters in protest, "That wasn't on the cheek."

Arthur chuckles. "No, it wasn't, was it."

Then he leaves, and Merlin watches him go from the doorway, letting the cold inside. For a while there is the worry that Arthur will fall over and hurt himself, that his muscles haven't regenerated well enough, that he's strained his injuries, that he'll collapse and... But he makes it out of sight without incident. And Merlin closes his front door.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Safe With Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7817347) by [paulinkaaxx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/paulinkaaxx/pseuds/paulinkaaxx), [SailorBaechou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorBaechou/pseuds/SailorBaechou)




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